


Catch My Heart Before It Shatters

by wolfwithwoodenteeth



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Love Letters, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 10:32:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11804247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfwithwoodenteeth/pseuds/wolfwithwoodenteeth
Summary: Eight months after she left him, Jon writes Sansa a letter. He's not sure he should send it...





	Catch My Heart Before It Shatters

**Author's Note:**

> I just felt like writing a sad post-break up love letter, so I did...

My sweet Sansa

 

I know I'm not supposed to call you that anymore, but I can't help it. When I wake up in the morning, after staying blissfully unaware for only a couple of moments, I see your face.

Even when I try my very best to exhaust myself by the time my head hits my pillow, all the thoughts I've been trying to keep down during the day find their way to the surface. I can't stop thinking about you. Everything hurts, Sansa, because everything reminds me of you.

I don't watch our show anymore. How can I enjoy it when the only thing I can think about is that you're not right here beside me, snuggling that awful fluffy blanket, inching closer until you can nuzzle your face into my shoulder?

Every time I find a funny meme or a poignant quote, I have to stop myself from turning around to show you. The world hasn't changed all that much in a matter of months, but it will never be the same again now I can no longer share it with you.

Whenever I start getting excited about something, I imagine your nose scrunching up when you smile, or that fire in your beautiful blue eyes or even just you shaking your head or rolling your eyes when you think I've said something silly.

I've tried to stop it, to tell myself I can't - can't - _can't_ do this, that I'm only making it worse, but it's no use. Every time I think I've built that wall up high enough, you break through and the bricks hit me in the face and bury me.

Gods, I miss holding you, kissing you, making love to you: being inside you and tasting you. I miss the scent of your hair and the feel of your skin against mine, the way you fit so perfectly into my arms. 

Most of all I just miss that you always used to be the best part of my day. Even when I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that you'd be there is what kept me going. Even after the worst of days, I'd come home to you and all it took for me to forget was just one look at your lovely face.

The gods know I never deserved you, but by some miracle, I got you anyway. And you spoiled me, Sansa. Now that I've known what it's like to be yours... How do I move on from that, San? My life is never going to get any better than that.

Seven hells, I know I messed up. Fuck, how I wish I could turn back time, stop myself from ever saying those words. How can words hold so much power? Words are wind. But I've seen the winds of winter tear down stones that stood for hundreds of years. I'm an idiot. I should have known.

How can I make you understand? I love you so much, Sansa, all of you, despite your flaws, maybe even more so because of them. I love your dark and ugly parts, even when you use them to spite and hurt other people. Perhaps I should have known the day would come they'd turn against me.

I wanted to hate you. I have enough rage and passion inside of me to hate you, but I can't. It would be easier and damn it, there were times I couldn't bear to remember what your face looks like. Just a flash of your eyes or the memory of the curve of your lips would be enough to make my blood boil, sending it coursing trough my veins with a vicious fury that delighted me and frightened me at the same time. In the end all that was ever left was me feeling empty.

But I'm a fool, Sansa, a pathetic fool... I could never hate you and I don't care how badly you hurt me... If only I could get you back... I love you and I forgive you for thinking the worst of me.

Perhaps I'm not a good person, but I try to be... Don't we all? It's more than that even, I try to be better than everyone else, but I often slip up. At times I fail miserably. Sometimes I'm a horrible person...

Is that the reason you couldn't love me enough? I just wonder... Did you ever truly care about me? If you really loved me, why was it so easy for you to discard me like an old toy, to cut me out of your life like it was nothing?

Do you ever think of me? Will you remember our time together fondly? Or will it be as if I never existed? Are you happy? If you are, perhaps that could be enough... 

So many questions, and I'll never get an answer... Fuck it, I don't want to ask those questions and I sure as hell don't want an answer. I just want you back. Oh, San, If you'd just let me love you again, I'd do so much better this time.

I'm not much of a talker, but my friends are getting sick of my moping and brooding. They all think it's way past time I start moving on. They've tried to set me up a couple of times, but it's useless. Whenever I look at one of those girls, all I see is your face. When they kiss me, it's your lips I taste.

Maybe I should just accept that I've already had it. Perhaps I should be grateful for the time we were given and be content with whatever I can still get. But you're it, Sansa, and I don't want to settle for less.

You've changed me, all the way to the core of my being. You're a part of me now and I'll never stop fighting for you, no matter the odds. Even if the odds are against us.

Is there still a chance they'll ever change?

 

Always yours, Jon


End file.
